If you only have
limited access with your children it is important that you make the most of
it. This is particularly important
if you are newly separated and you and your children are still adjusting to the
new set-up.
As hard as it can be, it’s important to separate out your feelings towards the children’s other parent and focus on your time and relationship with them. The kid’s don’t have the power to change the situation and they may start to feel responsible for “fixing” it, or they somehow caused it.
DO plan to set this time aside from other distractions like work etc.
DO think about and plan activities that you can
engage in with your children before access begins. The playstation, McDonald’s, movies and
the like are time fillers and don’t let you spend time “with” your
children. They are good occasional
treats but are not an effective use of your time, as they don’t give you an
opportunity to maintain a relationship with your
kids.
DO take an interest in their lives and talk with
them about subjects that interest them.
This will help you to think up activities that won’t bore
them.
DO reassure your children that even though you don’t
live with them any more, you still love them and want to be a part of their
lives.
DON’T put undue pressure on the children (and waste
time) by discussing your separation or access arrangements with them. This is for you and your ex to sort
out.
DON’T express any feelings of dissatisfaction that
you may have to the children. They
don’t have the power to change the situation and you could end up pushing them
away if they hear a lot of complaining from you especially if it involves
bad-mouthing the other parent.
DON’T create a situation where you are competing
with the other parent for your children’s love and affection. It can’t be bought with toys and
entertainment and they need to feel that they can give it freely to both parents
without feeling disloyal to one or the other.
DON’T try to squeeze too much into a short access
period. Sometimes the kids just
want to go to your home and hangout with you. This kind of “relaxed” time is
important.
Please contact
Shore Fathers for more information on how to get the best out of the access that
you have.